It's time I wrote again

Times were rough and I quit writing.... I couldn't see the good enough to write about it. Then I forgot about writing for awhile and would think of it now and again but today I need to share what happened for me an it is extraordinary. So things have been real rocky. Holding a regular full time job hasn't been in my capacity, nor has school full time but I did get my associates after years and years. The Lord knew I needed that and helped me make that milestone.... Anyways, life got dark. I lost purpose, and wanted to be dead. I wanted The Lord to just take me! I felt I'm not needed here... But I went to the temple because I have had Promptings to go and reminders of it often. My circumstances have not changed since my trip today but The Lord changed me. I knew and he knew I couldn't do this alone, I knew I had given up lately at trying because I was in such despair I was just passing through the motions, not knowing when it would end. I told The Lord I would work harder at my goals ( very simple ones but necessary) scripture study (not just listening to talks but reading (I struggle focusing) and studying because I knew and know he will help me if I sit down and try. Going to bed earlier and studying something. So what changed in me? He gave me will when I had none. He gave me hope when I saw no light. (I wanted To see purpose in all I was doing as where it would get me and where I was going next and what I would so with my life... Until I could face today how could I face the future? The Lord brought me into perspective and focus). The pioneers got up everyday to face the same thing, a trail of dirt and mud and little food and heat and snow and rivers to cross. Why did they keep pushing? God and their covenants which brought light and hope. This hope God has given me is nothing other than a miracle! If the pioneers could do that and face Hell everyday but face it with God and come off conqueror than so shall I. I start now. Focused with an eye single to God. Only On Him. One step at a time. This is the first step he has given me and I will focus on this goal and seek his aid to accomplish it with all my might everyday until I die if that is what he asks, though I feel there is something just beyond the horizon. There is hope. He is the source of hope and he has shown me the step in keeping it burning. I must push out the thoughts that try to cloud my spirit and let God take me where I need to God. They that wait upon The Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not fain.- Isaiah 40:31 

Belle

                                        I painted my bathroom free hand and it was really fun!

A New Blog Has Begun!!!!

So Let me explain the title of this blog. My senior year in high I was cast in the community Broadway Musical version of Beauty and The Beast. I was Belle. I was told that I looked and even sounded like Belle. So My Dream has been to be Belle at Disney someday, that dream hasn't presented itself but maybe someday. I have moved on with life and would like to introduce you to my new blog, it is a blog that is practically my daily journal, sharing the message of the joys of living an ordinary life, that when looked at more closely is not so ordinary at all! In the near future I will post some of my Belle pictures so that the content holds more to it's title. Slowly i will add more Belle focused things if I have the time.... Anyways, please enjoy my new blog and comment! http://ordinaryisnotsoordinary.blogspot.com

A New Day

Sunday July 31st
I awoke happy today and was blessed beyond measure. Church was wonderful! I was a little late for church though cause I felt like I should stop by Isaac's house to say bye since he was leaving for boot camp today, but he wasn't home and I was running too late I couldn't wait for him to get home cause I was giving a talk in Sacrament meeting. I was told I have the gift of speech, I was grateful someone pointed that out, so that I can use that gift to bless others lives and thank my heavenly Father for the gift. Maddie has been following me around the past few days and wanting hugs, reading scriptures with me, taking naps with/by me, I think Heavenly Father is trying to show his love for me through her, a child, pure and wonderful. I am so grateful for His love for me and for her:) I was frustrated with the way I look in pictures still, I just am a lot bigger than I used to be (going from anorexic to binge eating and medication issues with weight) and I really struggle with my pictures. I was frustrated that I look so big and my sisters are so small, then the story came to my mind from President Monson
"One evening a truly awful-looking old man came to the door asking if there was room for him to stay the night. He was stooped and shriveled, and his face was lopsided from swelling-red and raw. He said he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success. "I guess it's my face," he said. " I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says it could possibly improve afer more treatments."... Mary realized this little old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body... He indicated he'd be happy to sleep in the rocking chair on the porch..."I ran short of pots, and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting in this old pail"... Mary smiled as she imagined just sucha scene in heaven. "Here's an especially beautiful one," God might have said when He came to the soul of the little old man. "He won't mind starting in this small, misshapen body." But that was long ago, and in God's garden how tall this lovely soul must stand." I realized how silly I was being. I had wanted to put new pics on facebook for a boy to see a pic more recent of me that was pretty... but I realized I need him to see the real me, and I think God is trying to teach me that. I am grateful God knows what he's doing, and for his protection over me because without Him I would be lost.
Saturday July 30th
I awoke to a loving family who willingly left the Alsea early this morning so that I could make it to work on time. As I got out of the car I departed with a Huge hug from an admiring, loving little sister. I came to work blessed to work with an amazing team headed by an fabulous leader, Janey. Lunch was once again on the beach, one of the most beautiful places on the planet. God loves me.

Friday July 29th
Family outing at the Alsea. After receiving a blessing from Dad last night the Lord guided me on how to help my current situation. I am having hormonal problems still, which cause me to miss work on Thursday. Thanks to the Cranes it all worked out okay. They were amazing! I was able to sleep most the day and that was much needed. Anyways, I was pretty mad today and frustrated that I felt to mad, I was eating like crazy and realized I needed my anxiety medication. It totally was the answer. Luke, Tyler and I had a great time going up the river to Karen's cabin where some awesome rapids are. Conner and I had fun jumping into a smaller rapid and Covina and Allie and I laughed for at least a half hour straight, jumping in and out of the water and having a good time. Dad and I played a game of pool and that was great (He wanted to go in the canoe with me but we didn't end up getting to it, I felt special knowing that he wanted to though) and mom braided my hair. Isaiah is such a ham, he is so fun to be around, all of his funny jokes and comments. I love my family so much and am so blessed to have them in my life.

Life is good:) Allie and I had a fun walk to the post office, I finally sent out the book I got Chad, "If God Loves Me Why This?" We had fun beating eachother every time we spotted a yellow car or a bug. (Yellow bugs you get two punches)! We had a good talk, she loves me so much and wants to help me be better so bad. She cried today while she was telling me how painful it is to see me hurting and struggling. I love her so much and am so grateful that she is here. Melissa, Megan and I went to Tangled, it is super cute. I was starving so we went to walmart afterwords to get some food. We have such a good time together. We went to the toy section and Melissa and I wanted to get princess barbies, but we restrained:) They had Princess Tiana and the girl from Tangled too! One of them, when you pushed the button on her chest made her sing and made her hair light up! I miss being a kid. After we got back we had Relief society prayer, which is what our relief society does every monday through thursday night. We meet, read a spiritual thought and pray together. 3 girls come consistently, and it is fun getting to know them: Heather, Sarah and Jana. Following that Jaren wanted me to take her to the store for some eye liner so I agreed. She talked to me about boys and how I need to think about other things that are more healthy to think and worry about. We laugh alot together. While we were driving, the car died!!!! I was pulling into the Dairy Queen drive through, cause she wanted some ice cream and it just died. We thought, oh it needs gas, so we took it to the gas station, and it died right when we pulled in. So put $7 in. I was worried about putting too much in cause Jaren said put two gallons in and so when I got nervous about going over I pulled it out without stopping it all the way so, yeah, some gas got spilled. She hates the smell of gas and it got on her hands because of me. So we tried to go to dairy queen again, and when we got in the turning lane it died again.... So we started the car up again and pulled into Dairy Queen and as I was parking it died.....again. I had to hit the brakes hard so it would stop and I wouldn't run into the wall! (I would have hit the parking block but it looked like I was going to hit the wall). We walked into dairy queen and asked brent to come and get us and so he did and he drove the car home and we followed in his car. His car is amazing! It's a lexus and when you turn the car on the steering wheel moves! It's like on Batman when he is being chased by police and trying to save Rachel!!! Okay its not quite that intense but I feel like batman none the less. That was my eventful night, with lots of laughing included and a few tears:) Night!

Updated picture of me, trying something new with my hair

Allies Birthday

Happy birthday Allie! She got a German Pancake for her birthday, chicken noodle soup, bread sticks, cheesecake and some friends over too. I decorated the living room for her:) I think she had a good day.

My 4 hours of Luxury!

So I was going to be at the airport for a very long time, and I was exhausted after a week at Disney world and talking to my boyfriend really late every night..... So I got a hotel room that was in the hotel for about 4-6 hours and slept for two of them, then worked out, jumped in their awesome pool on the deck, outside, it was beautiful, and got ready then headed off to security check before my flight!!! An expensive day! It was so not smart, but I felt like the kid on home alone 2! Crazy! Don't make decisions when you are tired....

My little Lincoln

Sabrina and I put on a bridal shower for Millie and Amber. Cali helped set up, I just helped plan (a little) and buy the stuff:) Sabrina did an awesome job! In these pictures Amber and Millie are trying to hit down pictures (taped to bottles with a little water in them) of them or their fiances and one of the Temple(Their final destination). They had to hit them down with limes that were inside nylons that were tied around their waste. they would swing the lime between their legs and aim for the bottles. It was fun to watch/

FHE Brothers going on a date with eachother???!!! LoL

I am the Vampire, come to Suck YOUR BLOOD!

Sabrina and me acting out a twilight/walk to remeber moment!

So yeah, I haven't updated my blog in over a year and decided it was time for a recap of this past year. After coming home from Disneyworld due to medical issues I stayed home and worked as a caregiver from Grandma. I was also working on losing weight because I gained some while not doing so hot on my meds. I got to see my amazing brother and sister in law and their kids and it was fabulous. While I was a caregiver it was really hard, the meds just weren't working right and I had to push myself to get to work, but thank goodness for Grandpa and Grandmas patience with me. Though I didn't do the best job, Grandma loved my company, I took naps with her, watched movies, read to her a little and we even listened to a little bit of "The great and terrible" series which is amazing and I still have yet to finish. Whil home I was also seeing Dr. Swiff and we talked about trying a new medicine called prozac since things wern't going so well. I knew of some people that had tried it and it was wonderful for them from what I heard so I said why don't we give it a try. Well a month after starting that baby I was heading off to the iceland of the world!!!!!!!!! Rexburg. Holy cold! Anyways, I got to live with amazing roomates and got to room room with my fabulous cousin Sabrina. She was a trooper. Let me just say that Winter semester shows just how much God loves me, and that He knows the best rout to teach us the most. While on prozac I was, how do I put this,..... A crazy women. I stopped carring completley, but this time it wasn't because I constantly was down but OVERLY happy, to the point that nothing matter life was just okay and I didn't really think about consequences, or I did but didn't really care. I ended up only keeping one class and got the first c in my life. I shouldn't have even got a C with my attendance record, but that's the lowest grade my Teacher would give me. He knew everything that was going on and was the best teacher I have ever had. Brother Grant was a teacher who was there to help us with life. Help us become the best us we could. He always saw the good in me he always was there for me when I needed him. I also saw a great counselor brother blanchard who is the most loving and understanding man. Speaking of good men, I am so grateful for worthy Priesthood holders in my life. I was blessed to have friends and Home teachers who were always ready and willing to give me a blessing when it was just too much. I had amazing roomates that whenever I needed them they were there for me. Ana understood me so well, and Erin checked on me often, what a wonderful Relief Society President she was. Amber was a gem and the cutest thing ever! She had movies up the Kazoo and was always willing to share. Once again on meds. I gained weight, with this not caring mode I didn't care much about taking care of my body. That is not normal for me. This past winter I felt I lost everything. Being on Prosac changed me. I wasn't me. I just thought something was wrong with me. Now I say i didn't care but I did to some extent. It bothered me the way I was, I actually 'hated' me, but didn't know how to fix it by myself, and I couldn't by myself. But through the Hand of God help was coming. But had I not been on this medicine I would have not been able to meet with Dr. Zhoner, a wonderful Psychiatrist who saw that I have the tendency to not only go down with the wrong meds. but up. This meant that I needed a mood stabalizer. So to get gaining weight was the price to become metally and emotionally healthy again. The first mood stabalizer we tried was no good and within a few weeks we switched, but now I can say I have been on a great mood stabalizer for almost 3 months and it is going wonderfully. During this hard time I was also able to come to find out from my other Doctor Dr. Packer that I needed to be on a birth control pill because I have premenstral disforic disorder. Does the Lord love his children or what. Though I had this extremely hard time, I was still able to meet amazing people, be blessed with amazing doctors and then feel more gratitude than ever for the gift of happiness.Had I not hit that "rock bottom of mine" I wouldn't have been able to climb to this great new height. Just thinking on all of this now fills my soul with gratitude and joy. I have desire back, joy and love. I care!!!!!!! What a wonderful blessing this has been. I now have a job too! and I will be starting another one starting tomorrow! This could have never been possible in the past, the Lord has blessed me to move great strides forward. The weight has been really hard for me, but the Lord is still teaching me, and it is easier than it was a year ago when I gained weight. The Lord knows our capacity and will not test us above that we are able. The Lord is teaching me that my body doesn't define who I am or tell me if I am beautiful or not. I can't admit to having fully accepted this concept yet, the world is constantly throwing something completly oposite in my direction and i get sucked into that sometimes and along with that my mind has held a false idea about my worth. It is time for me to see with Gods eyes and not mine alone. It is time to be one with Him. I cannot have a single part of me seperate from Him or I cannot fully be His. It will take time, but the Lord will help me. I want to except this, I desire it more now than anything, because until I do I can't move forward in the Light of the gosple and in the Lord. I can't be one of His shinning lights. Today I will begin to look to God and live. Through His grace and Atonement (which I through our trials we can come to understand more) I can be whole in every way. Another positive note is that I want to sing again and am able to!! I am so excited that I want to sing and actually have ambitions, goals and will get there. I am going to be going to Nashville in Sept. to study music with Brett Manning and can't wait to soar. Singing is my passion (along with the gosple of course). For the past 3 years at school I have wanted to get better at singing but it just wasn't in my current capacity to work on that, but the Lord has blessed me and now it is!!!! I am so excited. I don't know where this will take me I just know Nashville is where I am to be for the fall and we will see whats next when it comes! It could be hard not knowing and at first it was, it was actually kind of a downer thinking how much bad there is out there in the music and broadway world, but the Lord knows all and what is best. It is now exciting to know He know and I just have to do what I am told now and not worry about what's next. I can say from personal experience that worry doesn't help us, at all. So this is alot of information, but what has been going on. I also got to have a wonderful vacation with my family and had amazing roomates while at school for a few weeks in the summer semester! They are true friends and like family. It may seem a bit jumbled, but that is how life is a bunch of life expeirences mixed together like a buch of puzzle pieces waiting to be put together to make up our great life, our monument, our Masterpice. God has a plan for us, I love Him and I know that He lives. I know that through Him I can climb any mountain and attain any dream. I love Him, I can't say that enough. I am grateful for the gift of life, family, love, nature, The Lords Gosple and the Heavenly Kingdom that awaits those who truly seek it and come unto Him with all purpose of heart. He dosen't expect us to be perfect, just to do our best, and to pick our selves up when we fall, for why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again. I testify this is True, in Jesus' Holy name.

Characters!

Isn't Terk cute! In the bottom photo.

And look at perla (the mouse in the purple) she is adorable!

A day at magic Kingdom

Austin and I went to Magic Kingdom my last day off before training began....

Autopia(here its called something else), splash mountain twice!... we watched a show... went on haunted mansion (it was great! a bit different from disneyland) and Pirates of the Carribean (ours is better in California) and the jungle cruz... and got Hot and sweaty too!

The picture of me in front of the castle with the water behinde me, was a designated "picture spot" so of course we took a picture! ha ha

Dinosours!

Chelsea and I on the Dinosour ride for the first time! Totally freaked out! When we looked at our picture after the ride some guys were laughing at us!!!!

Finding Nemo the Musical

It rains here alot! And there are lots of thunder and lightening storms! We got a little wet before finding nemo.

Disneyworld Adventure Begins

Chelsea, Brittany and I in downtown disney! These are my two new amazing roomates!

Then There is Chelsea and I meeting the HANDSOM prince caspian! We told him we live here and he said, "in Narnia?" and we said yes. And he said do you talk to animals? and we said yes we love animals working in the entertainment bussiness. He said "what kingdom do you live in?" We said the kingdom of Chatham...