So yeah, I haven't updated my blog in over a year and decided it was time for a recap of this past year. After coming home from Disneyworld due to medical issues I stayed home and worked as a caregiver from Grandma. I was also working on losing weight because I gained some while not doing so hot on my meds. I got to see my amazing brother and sister in law and their kids and it was fabulous. While I was a caregiver it was really hard, the meds just weren't working right and I had to push myself to get to work, but thank goodness for Grandpa and Grandmas patience with me. Though I didn't do the best job, Grandma loved my company, I took naps with her, watched movies, read to her a little and we even listened to a little bit of "The great and terrible" series which is amazing and I still have yet to finish. Whil home I was also seeing Dr. Swiff and we talked about trying a new medicine called prozac since things wern't going so well. I knew of some people that had tried it and it was wonderful for them from what I heard so I said why don't we give it a try. Well a month after starting that baby I was heading off to the iceland of the world!!!!!!!!! Rexburg. Holy cold! Anyways, I got to live with amazing roomates and got to room room with my fabulous cousin Sabrina. She was a trooper. Let me just say that Winter semester shows just how much God loves me, and that He knows the best rout to teach us the most. While on prozac I was, how do I put this,..... A crazy women. I stopped carring completley, but this time it wasn't because I constantly was down but OVERLY happy, to the point that nothing matter life was just okay and I didn't really think about consequences, or I did but didn't really care. I ended up only keeping one class and got the first c in my life. I shouldn't have even got a C with my attendance record, but that's the lowest grade my Teacher would give me. He knew everything that was going on and was the best teacher I have ever had. Brother Grant was a teacher who was there to help us with life. Help us become the best us we could. He always saw the good in me he always was there for me when I needed him. I also saw a great counselor brother blanchard who is the most loving and understanding man. Speaking of good men, I am so grateful for worthy Priesthood holders in my life. I was blessed to have friends and Home teachers who were always ready and willing to give me a blessing when it was just too much. I had amazing roomates that whenever I needed them they were there for me. Ana understood me so well, and Erin checked on me often, what a wonderful Relief Society President she was. Amber was a gem and the cutest thing ever! She had movies up the Kazoo and was always willing to share. Once again on meds. I gained weight, with this not caring mode I didn't care much about taking care of my body. That is not normal for me. This past winter I felt I lost everything. Being on Prosac changed me. I wasn't me. I just thought something was wrong with me. Now I say i didn't care but I did to some extent. It bothered me the way I was, I actually 'hated' me, but didn't know how to fix it by myself, and I couldn't by myself. But through the Hand of God help was coming. But had I not been on this medicine I would have not been able to meet with Dr. Zhoner, a wonderful Psychiatrist who saw that I have the tendency to not only go down with the wrong meds. but up. This meant that I needed a mood stabalizer. So to get gaining weight was the price to become metally and emotionally healthy again. The first mood stabalizer we tried was no good and within a few weeks we switched, but now I can say I have been on a great mood stabalizer for almost 3 months and it is going wonderfully. During this hard time I was also able to come to find out from my other Doctor Dr. Packer that I needed to be on a birth control pill because I have premenstral disforic disorder. Does the Lord love his children or what. Though I had this extremely hard time, I was still able to meet amazing people, be blessed with amazing doctors and then feel more gratitude than ever for the gift of happiness.Had I not hit that "rock bottom of mine" I wouldn't have been able to climb to this great new height. Just thinking on all of this now fills my soul with gratitude and joy. I have desire back, joy and love. I care!!!!!!! What a wonderful blessing this has been. I now have a job too! and I will be starting another one starting tomorrow! This could have never been possible in the past, the Lord has blessed me to move great strides forward. The weight has been really hard for me, but the Lord is still teaching me, and it is easier than it was a year ago when I gained weight. The Lord knows our capacity and will not test us above that we are able. The Lord is teaching me that my body doesn't define who I am or tell me if I am beautiful or not. I can't admit to having fully accepted this concept yet, the world is constantly throwing something completly oposite in my direction and i get sucked into that sometimes and along with that my mind has held a false idea about my worth. It is time for me to see with Gods eyes and not mine alone. It is time to be one with Him. I cannot have a single part of me seperate from Him or I cannot fully be His. It will take time, but the Lord will help me. I want to except this, I desire it more now than anything, because until I do I can't move forward in the Light of the gosple and in the Lord. I can't be one of His shinning lights. Today I will begin to look to God and live. Through His grace and Atonement (which I through our trials we can come to understand more) I can be whole in every way. Another positive note is that I want to sing again and am able to!! I am so excited that I want to sing and actually have ambitions, goals and will get there. I am going to be going to Nashville in Sept. to study music with Brett Manning and can't wait to soar. Singing is my passion (along with the gosple of course). For the past 3 years at school I have wanted to get better at singing but it just wasn't in my current capacity to work on that, but the Lord has blessed me and now it is!!!! I am so excited. I don't know where this will take me I just know Nashville is where I am to be for the fall and we will see whats next when it comes! It could be hard not knowing and at first it was, it was actually kind of a downer thinking how much bad there is out there in the music and broadway world, but the Lord knows all and what is best. It is now exciting to know He know and I just have to do what I am told now and not worry about what's next. I can say from personal experience that worry doesn't help us, at all. So this is alot of information, but what has been going on. I also got to have a wonderful vacation with my family and had amazing roomates while at school for a few weeks in the summer semester! They are true friends and like family. It may seem a bit jumbled, but that is how life is a bunch of life expeirences mixed together like a buch of puzzle pieces waiting to be put together to make up our great life, our monument, our Masterpice. God has a plan for us, I love Him and I know that He lives. I know that through Him I can climb any mountain and attain any dream. I love Him, I can't say that enough. I am grateful for the gift of life, family, love, nature, The Lords Gosple and the Heavenly Kingdom that awaits those who truly seek it and come unto Him with all purpose of heart. He dosen't expect us to be perfect, just to do our best, and to pick our selves up when we fall, for why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again. I testify this is True, in Jesus' Holy name.
